BOOK OF JOHN - MY STARTING POINT

My Dgroup leader instructed me to read the Bible and begin with the Gospel of John. Why John? I honestly don't know but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to find out why if I obey. So, this will be my starting point. I have read the Bible before but not in its entirety. So this will be my first attempt, after a long while, to read the Bible from cover to cover.

After reading a couple of chapters, I stumble upon this verse, John 3:20 - "Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed (NIV)." It struct me and here's why.

About a month ago, out of sponteneity, I joined a Dgroup in CCF. I will share my reasons why on a separate post, but for now, I will focus on why I prevent myself from joining in the first place. It is because I do not want my evil deeds to be exposed like a criminal that doesn't want to be caught. I could think of other reasons, however, this one is on the very top. I do not want others to know it for the fear of being condemned. At the back of my mind I know people in a Dgroup or in church will never do that or else their faith will be in question. Nevertheless, I just couldn't help it.

I've commited some serious sins in my life, the worst probably is abortion. I influenced my wife, who was still my girlfriend then, to commit abortion just to cover yet another sin; that we are engaging in pre-marital sex. Up to the time when I joined the group, no one knew about it. It is my wife's and I little secret. My concern mostly is not it being exposed but the things that people might or will say once they found out. I am more keen to protect my image or reputation than my eternal welfare.

On the other hand, I do not want to say that I hate God. Nonetheless, how can I say I love Him if I engage in sinful acts willfully or unwillfully. The worst part of it is, I don't feel any guilt about it. The fact that I don't feel any remorse when we commited abortion is an evidence that I've been living in darknest. If I'm in the light, I could have at least felt bad, but none.

Therefore, this time, I am moving into the light. If my evil deeds will be exposed, so be it. It is something that I just have to live with. A part of me is saying it is my consequence or punishment but I would like to believe as well it could also be my blessing. It's only been a month when I started this journey. I could still honestly say I don't feel guilty with what I did. Is it because I simply just don't know how or it is because my heart was hardened by sin, probably the latter. My prayer is that as I continue to read His word, He would slowly reveal Himself to me. He would crush my heart to finally feel His presence and repentance for my sins. AMEN.